7 Ways to Mildly Annoy Orochimaru By: Kabuto Yakushi
by Lethal Temptress
Summary: Orochimaru and his followers have to lay low and Kabuto gets bored. He turns to unusual methods for entertainment; namely finding ways to mildly annoy the snake sannin. Some strong language. No pairings. One-shot. Crackish.


There came times when it was vital to Orochimaru's plan to strategically "lay low". During these times there was no mobilization of Oto's nin or meetings to attend. This unfortunately left little to do, especially for his right hand medic.

Usually for Kabuto this meant gruesome experiments. The kind with little in difference to outright torture. However he had run out of bodies to mangle a few days ago and so Kabuto found himself quite bored.

As they say, idle hands are the devil's workshop.

Therefore it was during one of his most intense bouts of boredom that Kabuto decided to make his own entertainment. Namely find ways to mildly annoy Orochimaru. Not insult, mind you, that could result in his death, merely unsettle the snake from his nearly constant unflappable state of being.

Thus began Kabuto's entertainment mission.

 **Step 1: Humming**

"Kabuto are you _humming_?" Orochimaru asked, turning from his test tube to stare incredulously at his first hand man.

"I suppose I am. Does it bother you Orochimaru-sama?" Kabuto asked not-so-innocently. He knew his master would never admit to something actually _bothering_ him.

"Don't be ridiculous." the sannin scoffed, turning back to his work.

Therefore Kabuto felt free to continue his idle humming.

Kabuto noticed that, whenever he caught a glimpse of his master from the corner of his eye, the snake shinobi's jaw was unusually tense.

~0~

" _I didn't know you hummed Orochimaru-sama."_

" _It's good to see you in a pleasant mood Orochimaru-sama."_

" _What song is that you're humming Orochimaru-sama?"_

Orochimaru stood absolutely incensed in the middle of the hallway. Why? He had a annoying tune stuck in his head which he couldn't seem to stop humming. It had everything to do with a certain medic nin and his _infernal_ humming.

 **Step 2: Modify the room**

Like his summons Orochimaru-sama was extremely aware and used to his surroundings. Therefore the slightest shift in furniture was sometimes a cataclysmic offense on one of his bad days. Orochimaru often denied this effect on his person or claimed it was an issue regarding territory but Kabuto knew it was simply a dislike of change.

During times of hiding the underlings often got restless and so Kabuto would assign deeper cleaning duties to keep them busy and out of trouble. If any of the high caliber ninja, who usually completed cut throat missions, had a problem with dusting the living room's shelves they never verbalized it. Regardless, they didn't have to, Kabuto could simply sense their resentment. It wasn't hard to detect, especially when he stood stalk still in the room giving orders while all the others rushed about to complete his orders.

"No, put the chair next to the coffee table. Not that one you fool, that's an end table. Who doesn't know the difference between an end table and a coffee table? You there, don't move that shelf so far back. Bring it forward. More...more...not that's to much move it back. Actually it might look best across the room next to the desk. Yes. Much better. Where are you gong with that rug?"

Suddenly there was a prickly presence right behind him. He turned to see Orochimaru with his scales all ruffled. It was subtle but noticeable at this close a distance.

"Doing some redecorating Kabuto?" he hissed.

"I thought a fresh look might liven up the place. Like it?" He smiled, mischievous eyes hidden by the glare on his glasses.

Orochimaru simply stalked out, twitchy and seething.

He confined himself to his bed quarters for a whole week and requested things be brought to him. His own special way of pouting.

 **Step 3: Inanimately invade his space**

"What is _this_?" Orochimaru asked, deadly calm.

"Oh! That's where I left my clipboard? Was it on your desk? I'm sorry Lord Orochimaru, I must have set it down while retrieving something for you and forgotten it there."

~0~

"Kabuto..."

"Yes Orochimaru-sama?"

"Why are our clothes mixed?"

"That would be my fault again, so sorry. I forgot to remind the staff to wash and fold them separately. I can take mine now if you'd like?"

Never mind the fact that the staff already knew to do this and had only reluctantly done the opposite under Kabuto's express orders.

"...Do so."

~0~

"Kabuto, have you seen my book on seals?" He had been looking everywhere.

"Oh yes, you asked me a question I was not sure about so I borrowed it. I was sure you wouldn't mind. Here it is." Kabuto handed over a previously pristine book that was now water damaged and dog eared.

"...💢!."

 **Step 5: Cling**

Orochimaru was in his room, laying in bed when a thought suddenly occurred to him. Naturally he called his second hand man to bring him his notes.

"Thank you Kabuto. You can go." he commanded.

"Are you sure? Anything else I can do for you?"

Orochimaru raised one eyebrow. "No. Go get some rest. You, Sasuke and I will train hard tomorrow." He warned.

"...Ok...I'll go..." he made sure to lay the disappointed tone on thickly.

Orochimaru pondered the strange behavior for a moment but quickly got to writing down his idea before it was lost.

~0~

Surprisingly enough the little shit had managed to land a glancing blow to Orochimaru during their training. The result was a minor wound, mostly clothing damage to be honest.

Kabuto of course could not let such an opportunity pass.

"Please..let me-"

"No."

"It'll only take-"

"I said no."

"But your arm will-"

"Kabuto! Enough!" he snapped, swatting away the medic's beseeching hands to heal.

Kabuto responded with a "kicked puppy" look that only made matters worse.

"Don't you have matters to attend? Obviously I am not giving you enough responsibilities if you have time to worry over such a small scrape."

"My main responsibility is to heal you my Lord." Kabuto added a near undetectable whimper to his voice.

Orochimaru had never stated so but he _hated_ it when people whimpered or called him "my Lord". That's why Kabuto usually addressed him as either "Lord Orochimaru" or "Orochimaru-sama".

The snake sannin pressed his lips thinly in displeasure, as was expected, before briskly walking away.

 **Step 6: Play ignorant**

"You are deliberately antagonizing me." Orochimaru stated. Leaning in the doorway with his arms crossed and glaring at Kabuto.

"Why would I do such a thing?" Kabuto asked, feigning ignorance.

"You tell me. Is there a bet involved? You are obviously trying to garner some kind of reaction from me."

"That is not so Orochimaru-sama. There is no bet."

"But you admit to deliberately pushing my buttons."

"I did? When?"

"It is unwise to play this game Kabuto."

"I assure you, I am not playing games with you." Kabuto said with finality, boldly brushed him off and turning back to his work.

"...💢!."

 **Step 7: Ask pointless questions**

The two of them had been buried in research for about three hours when Kabuto struck.

"So why Anko?" It was as casual as one could manage.

"What?" in confusion.

"Why did you choose Anko? As your student I mean." Kabuto expanded.

"Are you asking me to explain myself to you?"a testy response.

"Simply curious my Lord." turning back to his work as if it no longer mattered if he received an answer.

"Do not call me that." This time an angry hiss.

"Of course Orochimaru-sama. As you wish." he responded, offhandedly.

They continued in tense silence until it was slightly past time for sleep, Orochimaru leaving without saying a single word.

~0~

The next week Kabuto pretended to be deep in thought, often apologizing and asking for orders to be repeated. Orochimarau was becoming increasingly impatient with this, finally confronting his underling about his disconnectedness.

"What is it Kabuto? Your mind is elsewhere lately and it is affecting your duties. I have asked you _three_ times to relocate subject 52 yet they are still in the operating room." Orochimaru pointed out tersely.

"I'm sorry Orochimaru-sama. I'll go move the subject now." Kabuto made to do just so.

"No. Sorry is not good enough. Answer my question. What has you this distracted?" Orochimaru repeated.

"It's nothing really." Kabuto reluctantly responded.

"I expect an answer regardless. Is it mission related?" Orochimaru hoped it was that simple.

"Embarrassingly enough, no. It's not." Kabuto replied.

"It's _personal_?" Orochimaru emphasized in disgust.

"Not really. Just a pointless question I can't seem to figure out." he admitted.

"Well then what is the question. I'll solve it myself so you can get back to your duties." Orochimaru stated confidently, eager to get his usually efficient right hand man back on track.

"Well...you see...I was just wondering, about snow...I mean I _know_ it's just frozen water. But why is it white of all colors if water is clear? If red water freezes would that make red snow flakes or would they still be white somehow? Additionally, when it melts...where does all the white _go_?" Kabuto finished and looked at Orochimaru with the face of an inquisitive child instead of a deadly 20-something criminal ninja.

"That is what has you distracted?!" Orochimaru shouted. "What pointless ramblings! Who cares what color snow is and why?! Get back to work and do it properly _or else_!"

Kabuto scrambled to get out of Orochimaru's enraged presence, making sure everything was done correctly the first time for the next two weeks. Perhaps he had pushed too far this time. He really didn't want to know what "or else" entailed.

Meanwhile Orochimaru was stuck wondering if different colored snowflakes where a natural possibility due to air or water pollution.

Damn that Kabuto!

~The End~


End file.
